I have just returned to terra firma after one week of meditation. My daily routine during this week involved getting up at 5am to go to a Dhamma (Buddhist teaching) talk at 5.30am. After that we had breakfast at 7am (but I'm sure most of the meditators there were shocked to find it wasn't the breakfast they were accoustomed to - a plateful of rice of pasta was our usual fare). We had 4 hours until lunch at 11am, in which you were supposed to practice meditation. Lunch was our last meal of the day. We were not allowed to eat after midday. At 1pm we had to report to the teacher and finally at 6pm we had group chanting.
The gap between the report at 1pm and the chanting at 6pm was the killer. Often I would have happily meditated in the 4 hour gap between breakfast and lunch, then again between lunch and the report. But the five hours between the report and chanting were the longest five hours I could have imagined. Some days it was better than others. I got into the meditation and the time went quickly. But the days when I couldn't get into the meditation...
You see, we were not allowed to read, write, listen to music or talk. At times of boredom at home I would usually turn to food. Nope. No food allowed after 12. There was only so much concentration left in me to meditate and once that concentration had been used up there was little to occupy myself. Fortunately I took to walking around the temple grounds and observing all the wildlife there. I found that the longer I looked at a line of ants of a colony of termites, the more I understood and learnt about the world. I started to think of myself as an ant in a huge ant colony and this thought was strangely liberating. Most of my life I'd been thinking only I had my problems, that they were somehow unique to me, but in fact, millions of people share my problems. I'm not alone.
The Meditation
The concept of the ego is also known as the 'false self'. It is the part of us created by society and it feeds on approval from others, judging things and controlling things. As most people on this planet, my ego was very strong at the start of the retreat. I was quick to judge the teach as incompetent. His English was below standard, the report was more of a lecture than the 2-way conversation I had expected, and I didn't like the meditation technique he prescribed.
His technique included sitting, walking and lying meditation. When sitting, the meditator would silently say, 'rising', 'falling', (as their breath rose and fell), then 'sitting' (at which point they would concentrate on the contact they made with the cushion beneath them).
When walking, the meditator would walk very slowly focussing on lifting the left heel, lifting the left toes, placing the left toes on the floor then placing the left heel on the floor. Then repeat with the right foot.
When lying, the meditator would put their hands on their stomach and silently say, 'rising', 'falling', (for their breath), 'lying' (and become aware of the contact their entire body made with the ground/bed beneath them).
I had been meditating for almost a year, and I really started at University. I had my own technique that I had learnt from University and I persistently stuck to it. I would pretend to take in what the teacher told me during the report, but then go away and do my own thing. My ego had judged his method as inferior.
Let me paint a picture of the job this teacher of ours has on his hand. He is a monk. I don't know how old because monks who have been meditating for many years are often deceivingly older than they look. The deep breathing and lower stress levels from meditation help keep them healthier. But at this centre (in case you'd like to research it, the temple is in Doi Suthep; www.fivethousandyears.org) people can come and go any day they wish. This monk therefore is constantly welcoming and bidding farewell to meditators everyday. The centre can house 40 meditators. He is a busy man.
I had brought my idea of Western teaching methods to the centre. When I went to report I expected we would have a deep, meaningful discussion about my meditation experience and other questions on Buddhism. I was shocked by my first report when he just talked at me and expected me to keep quiet and listen. When I tried to speak he made it very clear that the 'report' was over and I should leave.
I was angry and frustrated. I tried to calm myself down by thinking how many people he had to go through, but in my opinion I would rather not have reported at all, than be talked at so impersonally, especially with something so personal as meditation.
The next report I decided to try a different tack. Before he had the chance to open his mouth, I blurted out, 'I'm very happy with the technique, I'm going to just practice it more, but can i ask you about....' He seemed quite startled but brushed my question off to the side and proceeded to tell me the next step of the meditation technique. He was just saying the same thing to everyone and at this point I had decided to stop listening. I tried to interrupt him but this agitated him.
The next report I asked a question about the technique which he had assumed was clear during the previous report. 'You don't listen' he said to me. Anger, welled up inside me.
The next report I didn't attend. (I'll explain what I learnt from this towards the end of the entry).
Emotions
Someone is dieting. They tell everyone around them not to let them eat chocolate or cake. But when there is cake or chocolate in front of them they can't help themselves. Why? The monk told us that this is because people are slaves to their emotions. The dieter sees the cake and knows that whilst they are eating that they will be happy. Usually the dieter is not happy before they have eaten it. But the happiness lasts only as long as the time it takes to eat the cake. The what follows are feelings of sadness, anger etc. etc.
The monk told us that we look for happiness outside of us all the time. A friend, family member, new car, new clothes, food.... But this happiness, he said, was always temporary. It always depends on something else to make you happy. Real, happiness comes from inside of you, and it is generated by meditation.
He likened happiness with energy. When we reach for something that we think will make us happy, like cake, we are taking energy from the cake. Meditation on the other hand, allows us to generate this energy ourselves, so we are not dependant on our next 'fix' of happiness from an outside source.
In a relationship, he said, problems usually arise because the people in the relationship are trying desperately to suck the 'energy'/happiness from the person who once used to make them feel so happy. Instead, he said, meditation means you don't have to take anyone else's energy from them.
I am one who derives a lot of my happiness from food. If I eat something that tastes good I want more and more and more. Hell with what my body needs for nourishment, I just want to eat because I want to be happy.
During one lunch at the centre, I made a breakthrough. We had the most delicious banana frittas for dessert and I took my allocated 2 pieces. Eating them was like being shot up to the moon and back, they made me feel so happy, so naturally I wanted to keep this feeling going and the only way to do that would be to take more. But, I stopped myself. The happiness I would get from eating another one would last a lot less time than the sadness and guilt I would feel at having been so greedy that I took more than my fair share. And with that I picked my plate up and went to wash it. On my way out I saw one last banana fritta. But I kept walking.
I have to generate my own happiness.
This was an important lesson for me. We are blind to our emotions. An emotion comes up and we think we have to obey it unquestioningly. But by meditating you realise that emotions are not you. You do not have to obey them, you can make them obey you.
When you meditate, you close your eyes and focus on your 'inner world'. The monk told us that much unhappiness in the world is a result of a huge imbalance between our outer and inner worlds. We do not know ourselves.
The technique he prescribed was during meditation, as you are concentrating on your breathing/ a certain part of your body, you should become aware of your thinking. When you become aware of this you repeat 'thinking, thinking, thinking', 'let it be', 'come back home'. Why home? Most of the time our minds are never 'at home', they are never in our bodies. Instead they travel time and space, they are in the past, future, on holiday, at work, at University, but rarely 'at home'.
When you feel an emotion surfacing, you repeat that emotion, for example 'sadness, sadness, sadness', or worry, anger, hate... Then you let it be and come back home.
It's hard at first. But the more you do it the faster you are able to realise that you are thinking and the faster you are able to spot your emotions. It's really powerful stuff.
Negative emotions
So what's wrong with fear, anger, hate... They're natural emotions right? We shouldn't bottle them up, we should express them. The thing is, these negative emotions are like poison. Inside of you, they wreak havoc. The monk said that he knew very old monks, in their nineties, who looked like they were in their forties and were as fit as a fiddle.
Meditation helps you keep a check on these negative emotions, and allows you to destroy them before they destroy you.
Buddhism has a remedy to these negative emotions which is called loving-kindness, or metta. Imagine you are feeling seething rage towards someone in the street. You notice this rage, and before you let it fester inside you, you wish loving-kindness to that person, 'May he be well, may he be happy, may he be free from suffering'. Immediately you begin to relax and the negative effects of your negative emotions begin to lessen.
The silence
Back to my meditation experience, let's talk about the silence. It was nice at first, not having to think of meaningless chitchat to fill the awkward silences, but soon I began to have really meaningful realisations that I was just dying to share with someone. Eventually, I snapped.
When I had got so angry with the teacher during the report, I asked a girl (who I had caught talking to someone else the previous day so I knew that she was not too strict about the silence) about her opinion of the reporting process. It felt so good to let some things out.
After that, a few words passed between me and other people, but on the last day I had an explosion of emotion and luckily had also located someone to share them with.
What ended up being the last day
The second to last day I didn't go to the report. I thought it would be better for my meditating not to deal with the anger I knew I would generate after being talked at by 'teacher'. But that day I had some strange experiences whilst mediating. I heard strange sounds and I wanted to ask the teacher about them. I was a little worried.
After chanting I tried to approach him, but as always he was busy. In a desperate attempt for attention, I said, 'I have to leave tomorrow'.
'OK, report at 8am tomorrow'.
'Maybe he doesn't understand', I thought. 'I'll try a different approach'.
'I have to stop meditating'. I thought surely this would be a cause for concern. Why, meditating was his very life. If one of his students has just said they were giving up surely he should talk to them.
'OK, up to you', he said very shortly, 'and tomorrow report on time'.
Outside there was a thunder storm (it's the rainy season), and I ran out to a girl I had spoken to previously. The emotions that had surfaced during meditation coupled with teacher's seemingly heartless answer to me, caused me to burst into tears. I thought he was mad at me for missing my report.
The kind girl broke her silence and comforted me. The tears kept coming, but eventually I began to see things more clearly. For the first time in my life I saw how immature I really was. How ignorant I was, really. I had thought that I knew everything I need to know. I had deemed the teacher to be incompetent and although it had seemed like I had shown him respect, in my mind I was showing him the worst disrespect imaginable. He didn't deserve that. He was just a hard-working monk, trying to teach as many people about meditation as possible.
I remembered how I had shed tears when the Thai girl who was in the room next to me had finished her retreat. We hadn't exchanged a single word but what had really touched my heart was how whenever she passed in front of me if I was sitting in front of my door, she would bow her head down as a sign of respect. She was clearly older than me, but this show of respect hit me in the heart harder than a lot of the sadness I'd felt before.
These two things came together. I realised that what I value most in life is respect. I complained in an earlier entry about the lack of respect of men in Egypt towards women. But in actual fact I do not respect people. Although my actions may appear respectful, inside is a malicious torrent of negativity aimed at many, many people in my life.
That was the greatest realisation I made during my stay. I know people may not be able to relate to what I mean exactly because I think everyone has a different definition and understanding of what respect is, but this little key unlocked so many of my troubles. By respecting people (in my mind) I will ultimately be respecting myself and hate-filled, anger-filled and malicious thoughts will slowly disappear.
After this realisation, I was ready to leave. It felt right.
Friends
So, the place where I was most likely to make friends - this meditation centre - was the place where I was not allowed to speak. Fate though, allowed me to cross paths with a few people at certain times, which forced us to speak and this resulted in an exchange of e-mail addresses. Although we weren't able to find out anything about each other during the retreat, maybe our relationships will develop via e-mail.
The gap between the report at 1pm and the chanting at 6pm was the killer. Often I would have happily meditated in the 4 hour gap between breakfast and lunch, then again between lunch and the report. But the five hours between the report and chanting were the longest five hours I could have imagined. Some days it was better than others. I got into the meditation and the time went quickly. But the days when I couldn't get into the meditation...
You see, we were not allowed to read, write, listen to music or talk. At times of boredom at home I would usually turn to food. Nope. No food allowed after 12. There was only so much concentration left in me to meditate and once that concentration had been used up there was little to occupy myself. Fortunately I took to walking around the temple grounds and observing all the wildlife there. I found that the longer I looked at a line of ants of a colony of termites, the more I understood and learnt about the world. I started to think of myself as an ant in a huge ant colony and this thought was strangely liberating. Most of my life I'd been thinking only I had my problems, that they were somehow unique to me, but in fact, millions of people share my problems. I'm not alone.
The Meditation
The concept of the ego is also known as the 'false self'. It is the part of us created by society and it feeds on approval from others, judging things and controlling things. As most people on this planet, my ego was very strong at the start of the retreat. I was quick to judge the teach as incompetent. His English was below standard, the report was more of a lecture than the 2-way conversation I had expected, and I didn't like the meditation technique he prescribed.
His technique included sitting, walking and lying meditation. When sitting, the meditator would silently say, 'rising', 'falling', (as their breath rose and fell), then 'sitting' (at which point they would concentrate on the contact they made with the cushion beneath them).
When walking, the meditator would walk very slowly focussing on lifting the left heel, lifting the left toes, placing the left toes on the floor then placing the left heel on the floor. Then repeat with the right foot.
When lying, the meditator would put their hands on their stomach and silently say, 'rising', 'falling', (for their breath), 'lying' (and become aware of the contact their entire body made with the ground/bed beneath them).
I had been meditating for almost a year, and I really started at University. I had my own technique that I had learnt from University and I persistently stuck to it. I would pretend to take in what the teacher told me during the report, but then go away and do my own thing. My ego had judged his method as inferior.
Let me paint a picture of the job this teacher of ours has on his hand. He is a monk. I don't know how old because monks who have been meditating for many years are often deceivingly older than they look. The deep breathing and lower stress levels from meditation help keep them healthier. But at this centre (in case you'd like to research it, the temple is in Doi Suthep; www.fivethousandyears.org) people can come and go any day they wish. This monk therefore is constantly welcoming and bidding farewell to meditators everyday. The centre can house 40 meditators. He is a busy man.
I had brought my idea of Western teaching methods to the centre. When I went to report I expected we would have a deep, meaningful discussion about my meditation experience and other questions on Buddhism. I was shocked by my first report when he just talked at me and expected me to keep quiet and listen. When I tried to speak he made it very clear that the 'report' was over and I should leave.
I was angry and frustrated. I tried to calm myself down by thinking how many people he had to go through, but in my opinion I would rather not have reported at all, than be talked at so impersonally, especially with something so personal as meditation.
The next report I decided to try a different tack. Before he had the chance to open his mouth, I blurted out, 'I'm very happy with the technique, I'm going to just practice it more, but can i ask you about....' He seemed quite startled but brushed my question off to the side and proceeded to tell me the next step of the meditation technique. He was just saying the same thing to everyone and at this point I had decided to stop listening. I tried to interrupt him but this agitated him.
The next report I asked a question about the technique which he had assumed was clear during the previous report. 'You don't listen' he said to me. Anger, welled up inside me.
The next report I didn't attend. (I'll explain what I learnt from this towards the end of the entry).
Emotions
Someone is dieting. They tell everyone around them not to let them eat chocolate or cake. But when there is cake or chocolate in front of them they can't help themselves. Why? The monk told us that this is because people are slaves to their emotions. The dieter sees the cake and knows that whilst they are eating that they will be happy. Usually the dieter is not happy before they have eaten it. But the happiness lasts only as long as the time it takes to eat the cake. The what follows are feelings of sadness, anger etc. etc.
The monk told us that we look for happiness outside of us all the time. A friend, family member, new car, new clothes, food.... But this happiness, he said, was always temporary. It always depends on something else to make you happy. Real, happiness comes from inside of you, and it is generated by meditation.
He likened happiness with energy. When we reach for something that we think will make us happy, like cake, we are taking energy from the cake. Meditation on the other hand, allows us to generate this energy ourselves, so we are not dependant on our next 'fix' of happiness from an outside source.
In a relationship, he said, problems usually arise because the people in the relationship are trying desperately to suck the 'energy'/happiness from the person who once used to make them feel so happy. Instead, he said, meditation means you don't have to take anyone else's energy from them.
I am one who derives a lot of my happiness from food. If I eat something that tastes good I want more and more and more. Hell with what my body needs for nourishment, I just want to eat because I want to be happy.
During one lunch at the centre, I made a breakthrough. We had the most delicious banana frittas for dessert and I took my allocated 2 pieces. Eating them was like being shot up to the moon and back, they made me feel so happy, so naturally I wanted to keep this feeling going and the only way to do that would be to take more. But, I stopped myself. The happiness I would get from eating another one would last a lot less time than the sadness and guilt I would feel at having been so greedy that I took more than my fair share. And with that I picked my plate up and went to wash it. On my way out I saw one last banana fritta. But I kept walking.
I have to generate my own happiness.
This was an important lesson for me. We are blind to our emotions. An emotion comes up and we think we have to obey it unquestioningly. But by meditating you realise that emotions are not you. You do not have to obey them, you can make them obey you.
When you meditate, you close your eyes and focus on your 'inner world'. The monk told us that much unhappiness in the world is a result of a huge imbalance between our outer and inner worlds. We do not know ourselves.
The technique he prescribed was during meditation, as you are concentrating on your breathing/ a certain part of your body, you should become aware of your thinking. When you become aware of this you repeat 'thinking, thinking, thinking', 'let it be', 'come back home'. Why home? Most of the time our minds are never 'at home', they are never in our bodies. Instead they travel time and space, they are in the past, future, on holiday, at work, at University, but rarely 'at home'.
When you feel an emotion surfacing, you repeat that emotion, for example 'sadness, sadness, sadness', or worry, anger, hate... Then you let it be and come back home.
It's hard at first. But the more you do it the faster you are able to realise that you are thinking and the faster you are able to spot your emotions. It's really powerful stuff.
Negative emotions
So what's wrong with fear, anger, hate... They're natural emotions right? We shouldn't bottle them up, we should express them. The thing is, these negative emotions are like poison. Inside of you, they wreak havoc. The monk said that he knew very old monks, in their nineties, who looked like they were in their forties and were as fit as a fiddle.
Meditation helps you keep a check on these negative emotions, and allows you to destroy them before they destroy you.
Buddhism has a remedy to these negative emotions which is called loving-kindness, or metta. Imagine you are feeling seething rage towards someone in the street. You notice this rage, and before you let it fester inside you, you wish loving-kindness to that person, 'May he be well, may he be happy, may he be free from suffering'. Immediately you begin to relax and the negative effects of your negative emotions begin to lessen.
The silence
Back to my meditation experience, let's talk about the silence. It was nice at first, not having to think of meaningless chitchat to fill the awkward silences, but soon I began to have really meaningful realisations that I was just dying to share with someone. Eventually, I snapped.
When I had got so angry with the teacher during the report, I asked a girl (who I had caught talking to someone else the previous day so I knew that she was not too strict about the silence) about her opinion of the reporting process. It felt so good to let some things out.
After that, a few words passed between me and other people, but on the last day I had an explosion of emotion and luckily had also located someone to share them with.
What ended up being the last day
The second to last day I didn't go to the report. I thought it would be better for my meditating not to deal with the anger I knew I would generate after being talked at by 'teacher'. But that day I had some strange experiences whilst mediating. I heard strange sounds and I wanted to ask the teacher about them. I was a little worried.
After chanting I tried to approach him, but as always he was busy. In a desperate attempt for attention, I said, 'I have to leave tomorrow'.
'OK, report at 8am tomorrow'.
'Maybe he doesn't understand', I thought. 'I'll try a different approach'.
'I have to stop meditating'. I thought surely this would be a cause for concern. Why, meditating was his very life. If one of his students has just said they were giving up surely he should talk to them.
'OK, up to you', he said very shortly, 'and tomorrow report on time'.
Outside there was a thunder storm (it's the rainy season), and I ran out to a girl I had spoken to previously. The emotions that had surfaced during meditation coupled with teacher's seemingly heartless answer to me, caused me to burst into tears. I thought he was mad at me for missing my report.
The kind girl broke her silence and comforted me. The tears kept coming, but eventually I began to see things more clearly. For the first time in my life I saw how immature I really was. How ignorant I was, really. I had thought that I knew everything I need to know. I had deemed the teacher to be incompetent and although it had seemed like I had shown him respect, in my mind I was showing him the worst disrespect imaginable. He didn't deserve that. He was just a hard-working monk, trying to teach as many people about meditation as possible.
I remembered how I had shed tears when the Thai girl who was in the room next to me had finished her retreat. We hadn't exchanged a single word but what had really touched my heart was how whenever she passed in front of me if I was sitting in front of my door, she would bow her head down as a sign of respect. She was clearly older than me, but this show of respect hit me in the heart harder than a lot of the sadness I'd felt before.
These two things came together. I realised that what I value most in life is respect. I complained in an earlier entry about the lack of respect of men in Egypt towards women. But in actual fact I do not respect people. Although my actions may appear respectful, inside is a malicious torrent of negativity aimed at many, many people in my life.
That was the greatest realisation I made during my stay. I know people may not be able to relate to what I mean exactly because I think everyone has a different definition and understanding of what respect is, but this little key unlocked so many of my troubles. By respecting people (in my mind) I will ultimately be respecting myself and hate-filled, anger-filled and malicious thoughts will slowly disappear.
After this realisation, I was ready to leave. It felt right.
Friends
So, the place where I was most likely to make friends - this meditation centre - was the place where I was not allowed to speak. Fate though, allowed me to cross paths with a few people at certain times, which forced us to speak and this resulted in an exchange of e-mail addresses. Although we weren't able to find out anything about each other during the retreat, maybe our relationships will develop via e-mail.
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